the condom got lost in my hair
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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