Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
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It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
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I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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