He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
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Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
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Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
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