He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
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You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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