some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
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i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
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At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
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