What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
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