I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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