If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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