at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
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I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
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She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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