One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
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you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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