She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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