I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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