i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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