and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
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This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
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I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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