I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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