I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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