Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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