I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
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Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
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Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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