i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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