Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
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You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
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I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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