The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
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This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Shame - the story of my life.
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