I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
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You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
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OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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