I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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