im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
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I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
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OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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