fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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