Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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