You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
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I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
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I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
You ruined the universe
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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