You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
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you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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