you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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