Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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