The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
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His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
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I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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