Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
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also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
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You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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