The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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