I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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