the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
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There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
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I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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