I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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