What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
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im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
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Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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