omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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