I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
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When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
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So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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