this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
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