I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
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The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
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You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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