He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
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Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
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Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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