im six kinds of drunk right now
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
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I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
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I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
My vagina just clenched in fear
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