At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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