I think I died a long time ago.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
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When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
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Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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