I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Randomize