and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize