you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
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you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
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Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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