i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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