and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
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Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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